Have you ever felt that your life was on the verge of crumbling?

Well I did. 
My life felt like it was slowly, painfully and sadly crumbling into little biscuit crumbs.
I was never good enough.
I was never recognized.
I was and am still invisible.

The past 4 years may seem short to some, you may have enjoyed the past 4 years and they may have even been your best memories.
However, the past 4 short years that I've been through has changed my life dramatically. In a negative way.
I guess it was mostly my fault.
I was the one who didn't take control of my life.
Instead, I allow others, strangers even, who don't even know a fuck about me, to control my life.
The past 4 years has really destroyed my thinking of life.
My thinking is now distorted in the way that everything that I see around me is just negativity, jealously, hatred, anger.

I tried to please the world. 
I tried to please my parents. And I'm sorry I am not the perfect child but I promise I'm giving my best.
I tried to please my friends. I tried to fit in with everyone. 
But I couldn't. 
I tried to be someone I'm not. Do things that I normally wouldn't do. Say and speak things that I normally wouldn't say. Follow what others would do.
I tried so darn fucking hard to please every single person.
I thought that changing myself to please everyone would result in a so-called 'better life'.

When I changed to be what I thought am "perfect", it didn't go as well as I thought it would be.
My life still wasn't perfect. I didn't solve the root of the problem.
I only just covered it up. 
I wasn't healing myself, I was only pulling myself deeper into distress. 

When I realised that my life wasn't changing for the better, I felt that my life could never get any better forever.
I felt that I'm trapped on this earth. I feel so suffocated. I feel like I can't breathe. 
I feel that as a human being, I'm just destroying my body and my soul. 
I always felt that people are constantly judging me.

Firstly in this world, there is no denying that the first thing when meeting a person is judging his/her looks.
The outer appearance is the first thing we see when meeting someone.
Just because the world, or actually people living in this world has created the 'definition' of what is an 'ugly' person and what is considered to be 'pretty', doesn't mean that even our inner-self is ugly or pretty based on our appearance.

Just because someone is considered 'ugly', does not mean that the person has an ugly heart and ugly personality.
Just because someone is considered 'pretty', does not mean that the person has a good heart and good personality.
An 'ugly' person may have a good or ugly heart.
A 'pretty' person may have a good or ugly heart.


I know that I will never heal myself unless I accept myself for who I am.
But it's hard. It's really hard.
I think way too fucking much about how others look at me.

I am always constantly finding ways to look prettier, what type of make-up should I wear, what type of clothes should I put on my body, how to get rid of all my flabby fats, how to make my skin look flawless.
But in the end, it all boils down to how you actually feel yourself.
Do you feel good in your own skin?
Do you feel comfortable living in your own body?

Yes, other people may have say some or maybe alot of negative things about you. 
They may have criticised you so bad, you just feel like you're driven to a corner.
But one thing that you must never forget, and always remember,


I've had really bad experiences in the past that made me cry every single fucking night.
Even crying does not solve anything. But well, at least it helps to relieve some stress.
I always tried to act strong and ignorant, but sometimes, your emotions are really too strong.

Please don't fuck with someone else's emotions. 
It's never a joke.

Many people suffer from mental breakdowns because of this : Fucking around with people's emotions.
Firstly, it's not cool. It is not cool to take someone's emotions and bang it against the wall.

"Why do people hate people?"
"Why do people discriminate against each other?"
"Why do they want to step over weak people and win over them?"
"There must be some other people who are not like them, but where are those people now?"

Yes, I may not be accepted in this world because I am not the perfect person that everyone loves.
But I am not born to please you.
I am who I am. 
And to you who is reading this, I hope that you treasure your life, live it well, take good care of yourself, and be in control of your own life.
You are unique, You are the only one on this earth.



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