First Post of 2015


My last post was quite some time ago, last year to be exact HAHA
Honestly I wasn't super busy till I couldn't update my blog.
I was just super lazy which is not really a good habit of mine.

Okay, so current updates of my life.
I started my course on business and marketing at the beginning of February.
OH WAIT fast backward to January, I was having a one month break before starting school. I was actually working full-time but decided to quit and take a break. While I was working and even after I quit my job, I realise that everyday I felt really lost, in a way that I felt that it was pointless and meaningless to live. So I decided to try art therapy and see whether it will help my mental state, which I find that it's very unstable. I went for a few sessions, I know that these kind of therapy, mind-changing, thought-changing stuff isn't going to change me overnight, or over weeks or even over months. I know that this can take a year, or even a couple of years, or maybe for the rest of my life.

But one thing is, I wasn't even truthful to my therapist, like omg I actually put in the effort to lie about stuff and wasn't even telling the truth to her, so how can she possibly help me? At this point, I know its my fault, my fucked up thoughts are telling me to do the exact possible of what I want to do. It's like I am trying to kill myself and heal myself at the same time. So after those few therapy sessions I felt that it wasn't working and I've stopped going for sessions. But now that I'm typing all these out, I realise that my thoughts and my mind can change in an instant, like lets say I'm thinking completely fine and am leading a normal life. And suddenly something happens that shakes me and from here there are two options , 1) BE SHAKEN and be back to square one OR 2) Be strong enough to overcome whatever that has shaken me.

Usually its number 2, and it still is. It's coming to the end of March soon, and I have two assignments due next month which I haven't even started on and I'm gonna be screwed. And whenever I want to start my assignment, there's a thought in my mind telling me, "Oh if you weren't born you don't have to go though all these hard-work stuff, why not just end your life here, end your sufferings, end your binge eating episodes, end your social awkwardness, end all the sadness and anger and disappointment right now?" And it's damn fucking hard to fight back these thoughts, usually I'll eat to cover up these thoughts and once I stop eating these thoughts come right back up to me.

People that are around me don't take what my feeling and thinking seriously. I talk to them about my issues and they'll be like, it's just me, it's just all in my mind. Which I agree to some point but I guess I just don't have the motivation to change and everytime I do, something hits me and I fall and don't get back up.

I rather be addicted to smoking and clubbing then be addicted to eating. Like fuck la I eat eat eat becoming fatter and fatter and fatter. I rather smoking die me than fat die me. WHY EATING WHY. People don't thinking binge eating as a disorder, they tell me I lack self control and self discipline WHICH, I also agree to some point. But you see, people take smokers who are quitting smoking seriously, but if you're fat and eating a lot, people will just say, oh, eat lesser and mind what you eat. If you get what I mean. The way I feel about eating is totally fucked up sia I really don't know what to do.

These days my binge eating episodes are getting far worst and my thoughts are going haywire. I'm getting fatter and fatter and I give a fuck but my other half of my mind is not giving no fuck. I have spent so much money on food, I think my savings are going dry because of food. I have no idea how to deal with this and the only thing that is keeping me going is that I don't have the guts to kill myself which is kinda dumb, like I'm hoping for a car accident or natural death kind, which I wouldn't know when.

Tomorrow is another day of living.


  1. I care, I just don't know how to help. I feel so sucks that I can't do anything to make you feel better. So many times I thought I could but I end up getting nowhere or making worse. Can you please don't think about dying. I'll be fucking sad. I swear. I never really cared for anyone this much in my life. Usually everyone just come and go, and I'm fine with that. But you're different. I want you, I want you to stay. I wish I had more to give you. You can be so much more, you don't have to think about all the bad things that can happen, all the crazy thoughts. You got a supportive family, they love you. You got friends, I'm sure there are a few who will be genuinely true to you if you let them try. Maybe you can't be super happy with whatever you have now, but it's enough to make you feel contended? Not everyday will be good, not everyday will be nice, some days will be worse like hell. Just feel happy for the small things good things happy times whenever they happen. You binge eat you grow fat. You know it's wrong. I know it's hard. I can go from smoking crazy 1 week and stop smoking for 1 week. You feel the guilt, but it's the only thing that makes you feel better for awhile. But it gotta stop eventually. Go back to normal. Stop killing yourself. Life can only get better if you really want it to be. If you stop trying, nothing gonna help. I wish you can be happy, not fake smiles, but big laughters that can melt yourself. :) I don't even know if you will see this..

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