Body Image

Especially girls. Plus me.

This is a very straight forward topic and I would like to talk more about it.
Today a girl sitting next to me in my class turned to me and asked, pointing to her friend, "Do you think she is fat?" 
Do you know what I saw when I looked at her?


This. THIS. THHHIIISSS.

I was like are you kidding me ?! YOU'RE SO FREAKIN' PRETTY AND SKINNY AND TALL AND YOU SAY YOU'RE FAT? LOOK AT ME THEN. I SHOULD LOOK LIKE A COW.

I think many girls have self-esteem issues. We all think we're so fat, we need to lose weight, we need to go on a diet, blah blah blah, and some extreme measures are diet pills.

In 2009 one of my best friend told me this after I revealed my weight to her after a weight measurement thingy in school, "OMG YOU'RE 42KG? YOU'RE SO FAT, I'M ONLY 40KG."

I was totally, utterly heart-broken. Not by guys, but by my own friend telling me that straight in the face. LIKE SMACK, HERE'S A PIE OF OF FATNESS SMEARED ALL OVER YOUR DISGUSTING, UGLY FACE.

In secondary school I couldn't really mix well with the students and classmates, and always felt lonely and sick and urgh. 

I thought to myself, "If I lost weight and be skinny, my life would change for the better."

So,

In 2010 I went on a really strict diet and restricted myself to only 800 calories per day. Seems alright ya? 

I actually lasted pretty long, around 8 months? After those gruelling 8 months of much staving and over exercising, I become 35kg. I WAS ECSTATIC. 

I could fit into smaller clothes, I felt sooo happy and good about myself.

I thought my life would get better. BUT NOOOOOOO. I still couldn't socialise well, I still was left alone, people left me out of discussions, I eat lunch in the toilet. 

I was still jealous of those girls who had girlfriends to chat with and boys to flirt with. 

I guess because of all the stress and sadness and jealously I took my emotions to food.

I started binge eating.

Each time I felt sad,

Each time I felt lonely,

Each time I felt Jealous,

Each time I felt an emotion which I hate,

I would binge. 

I would binge when no one is around so that no one could see me binge.

Of course, who in the right mind would allow someone else to look at you while you stuff, chocolates, biscuits, breads, cheese, lollies, cakes, ice-cream, etc.

And my binge is not an ordinary binge.

I think to some people binging would be like, "OMG I JUST ATE THIS WHOLE BAG OF CHIPS GAAAAH I'M GONNA GAIN SOOOOO MUCH WEIGHT !!!!"

Right?

I would look like this when I binge : 
No offence to this girl but it looks quite disgusting aye ?

And this is the amount of food I would eat during a binge X10 :

Oh yes it was NOT a pretty sight to see.

Slowly I started gaining pound by pound, kg by kg,

and now, I'm 52kg.

Well. Well. Well.

All I can blame is myself. I brought this upon myself.

I decided to type out this post because I binged again today.

So now here I am, with a stuffed stomach, feelings of vomiting, 

typing out my nonsense. 

I am currently trying my best to overcome this binge eating disorder and go back to how I was few years ago.

Although it will be a tough journey, I am willing to always look forward, 

stand up when I fall,

and succeed one day.

I don't know when, BUT I KNOW I WILL.

Comment if you have any issues with yourself, or just if you feel like you have something to say :)

If you have problems that you are frustrated about and wants to talk to someone about it, I'll be happy to help :)

Together we will overcome whatever obstacles that we're facing and always, always NEVER give up. 



Comments

  1. Honestly, 42kg sounds underweight and 54kg doesn't even sound fat to me. D':

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha I'm only 1.53m though :/

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